| better words . . . . here there and everywhere |
With previous friendships, I waited it out. With the end in sight, I never made a move, never budged, let it wash over me, let it happen to me. But not this time. This time, I'm burning the thing to the ground until there's nothing left but ash.
There's enough blame to pass around for everyone to get their due, mine included. But I'm the only one speaking up and finally being honest, something that should have happened years ago. But I hate hurting people, even if, in some way, I think they deserve it. Who am I to dole out justice, right? Exactly. But right now, it's not about being fair or kind. I've been both of those for too long now and it's gotten me nowhere. No one's telling me the truth, and no one wants to own up to anything. You may deny it but I know it bristles you that I am married. Not just married, but married to T. I always knew it would. It was evident from the day we announced our engagement in 1999. You weren't so subtle and I don't think you were trying to be. What really got me was how you had the nerve to feel "hurt" when we announced that we wouldn't be inviting anyone other than the two witnesses to the wedding. You seemed taken aback, as though you somehow expected that you and your "friends" would be included in this important day, even though you had made it quite obvious how ridiculous you thought the whole notion was. I don't truly know if it was me being a "wife" that threw you, or if it was that I was marrying T. I haven't figured that out yet. But I did find it quite funny that you somehow expected that I would let by-gones be by-gones and invite the lot of you. Yeah, so you could make fun of the whole thing after it was over too... Really, to even suggest that I would allow the lot of you to ridicule a very important day in my life (once again)... I mean, you must think I'm a right idiot. You know, I have new friends these days. Not many, probably by your standards, but the fact remains that they are friends. And you know what? All of them think T and I are quite the couple. I suppose they didn't have the pleasure of witnessing our rocky beginnings so they aren't quite as jaded as you might be. But I know now that many of our problems back then were caused by people sticking their noses where they didn't belong. You must have seen it too, but maybe it doesn't matter to you. Maybe all that matters to you is the drama and the stupidity. Maybe you just can't see past it. I don't know how far up your ass your head has to be for you to dismiss J's nastiness as some kind of tourettes, like she doesn't really know the effect of her words. There was this time at Cirque where there was a big gang of us sitting on the balcony outside. Things were fine at first... and then G, just to taunt and annoy T, brought up a new line of conversation. She started teasing T about fooling around with me. T freaked out and started shouting at ME, as though I had brought it up. He yelled "We're not going to talk about that anymore!". There was silence and discomfort then. And then do you know what happened? Your lovely best bud J randomly starts up with this gem. She says to T. "Hey, do you remember when you were kissing me and you complained about my sharp tooth". She giggled girlishy then. Everyone at the table laughed. Oh yes, isn't what she said so funny? And it was oh-so-relevant to the topic, wasn't it? J's eyes briefly glinted at mine and she stared deeply at T. Isn't J wonderful? Isn't she nice and free from malice aforethought? She was just trying to make things better, wasn't she? But I guess maybe it's funny to you people. You can yell out "Gossip!" or "Scandal!" like what happened was on a TV screen and not real, like no one was ACTUALLY responsible for it. Or like no one's feelings actually got hurt. You told me yourself, a year after that "glorious" Summer in 1998. You said to me very seriously, "You know, T., no one was really having a good time then". Of course I knew it. Artifice strikes once again. Maybe if I had hung out only with A and T, maybe then I would have had 'real' fun. What I don't understand is why you now go back on your word, why you pore over your scrapbook and those particular pictures and continue the lie. There was no collective. You know it, I know it. There were only secret agendas and deceit. You should pull those pages out of your album, because they're not doing anyone any good. Mine are going to be going soon too, because I have no use for them either. The only thing I regret is being temporarily out-witted by a loser, a real 'loser', not just the name you give to describe people who don't fit in. I underestimated J's persuasion. I never figured anyone had that much time to invest in a foolish game of popularity. So I give credit where credit's due and congratulate J on getting the better of me for a few months. I admit, I never suspected the lanky, slouched, quiet girl with glasses. By looking at her, I never would have guessed that she was out to win the title of queen. I suppose it's part of her strategy- unassuming and in the background, seemingly unaffected. But the more I saw her playing up her family history of depression to make herself seem unstable, I began to understand. Oh yes, get the boys to think she's a problem they can fix. Let them fill her up with confidence and sweet declarations. Get them in over their heads and then walk away from them. Leave the string of boys damaged and unable to move on from her. They see her walking away, independent and european-style kind of mystery that she is, Showcase movie style, and because it's so poetic, they can never blame her for it. She's a free spirit after all! I can't believe this false glamour of hers worked on you. Look at her. I mean, really look at her. What do you see then? Do you really see anything? |
better places . . . . over under and through |