I have no desire to pin them down, necessarily, or fit them into neat, little boxes.... I just have this urge to see what it's like on the other side, even for a few seconds. But in this particular case it's been days. And I'm really confused.

Maybe I've never understood it fully, never immersed myself completely in a philosophy or lifestyle -- god, I hate that word. But I'm discovering that almost every subculture or anti culture-ism seems poisoned by rampant over-defensiveness. Justification stacked upon justification, all of it intended to validate one's choices. (And, please, no Darwin, because that's gotten so old it's embarrassing. And also, none of that nonsense about what's natural and what's not, because none of it matters anyway. And using any variation of these arguments, whether to advocate multiple sexual partners or the extermination of 'stupid people' is outdated and laughable. There is nothing wrong with either of these ideas as beliefs or philosophies, but you will inevitably undermine them with your faulty assumptions about human behavior.)

I guess what I'm getting at is, for once, I'd just like to hear it straight- no trimming, no defensiveness, no not-so-hidden traces of inherent superiority. I want to know what inspires people, what pulls them and leads them down a certain path. It seems like all I'm hearing is a kind of self-imposed rigidity, theories that are too confining to be enlightening. I thought that was the whole point, you know? To exist as an alternative to the supposed constrained and inflexible pop culture that brainwashes the masses.

It's hard to believe from the outside, I guess. But I could have been making the same choices you are and leading a very similar life. But because I didn't make those choices, because I seem to be leading a life that society, or whatever generic term one would use, deems normal or standard, that automatically makes me a patsy of Western socialization. In your estimation, it's impossible to intelligently or independently choose to adopt these so-called standard beliefs/behaviors. You either rebel against them or you're a passive victim. And that's just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.

I will never feel the need to justify any of it, because what is there to justify? I was inspired, I made choices, and I happily live with them. I used to think (hope?) that's how most people led their lives. But now I'm not so sure.