You've called here a few times but I can't bring myself to talk to you- partly because I don't know what to say to you and mostly because there isn't anything to work out, to patch up.

I suppose I just wanted to clarify something:

Even though I've felt our friendship disintegrating for 6 years, I have never been anything but myself with you. I've never "pretended" to be your friend and this anger that I've worked out here, in this diary, is something that until a few weeks ago, I was hoping we could work past. Maybe I was foolish to think that one day you would just *stop* judging me, but that's what I was hoping would happen... and so all of these accusations I've levelled at you are not to be misconstrued as me being insincere with you all this time. I was truly hoping that it was a problem that I had to fix or get past. And then, a few weeks ago, I realized that it was all too far gone now and the end was indeed inevitable.

And I can't very well tell myself that I should have let you know there were problems- you knew there were. But both of us let it fizzle out. And it breaks my heart to think that you are so unable to get past this idea that I've got no direction in my life, as though I've disappointed you somehow because I'm not in the desert somewhere screwing an archaeology professor. It breaks my heart to think there were *conditions* to this friendship. But the one thing that really hurts me most is that this friendship was, initially, based on non-judgment. How quickly we come full circle.

We once shared a similar sense of humour and we both used to find such joy in the little things. But it's apparently not enough for you anymore. It seems like you've decided I have to meet certain arbitrary criteria in order to be classified as a true friend. And now that I'm pathetic (according to you and this arbitrary criteria), I don't really see where I fit into your life anymore.

But I was always your friend, right from that moment in 9th grade, over 12 years ago. And I was your friend through it all- even during the infamous Summer of 1998 and and after that, with all those crazy jobs and crazy shifts where I would hardly see you... and even until a few weeks ago- I was truly your friend. But when did you stop being mine?